What Jesus MEANT To Say Was…

Know how you can tell when someone’s making it up as they go along? They tell you with a smile that THEY know what Jesus meant when he said (fill in the blank). Same goes for people who tell you, “God and I are tight. Whatever He thinks, I think.” As we often say of humans here in the Locker Room Of The Gods, “Oy!” That’s what’s called a “tell”. Take this to the bank, Pilgrim (and thank me often when the Brinks truck arrives at the bank and empties itself into your account): the “believer” who says that doesn’t believe IN God, they believe they ARE God. They’re not the same thing. Now that you’re rich, prepare to get super rich when you take THIS to the bank: they AREN’T God.

How freakin’ hard is it to “Do unto others”? How freakin’ hard is it to grasp the idea of doing unto others? Why is it like integral calculus to some people?

Oh, right. It’s super hard for them because they think THEY’RE deities, making up the rules as they go along — as if deities would be as slapdash as human beings. Frankly, in addition to shaking our heads and groaning “Oy!” into our hands, here in the Locker Room Of The Gods, we often lament the neurotic, ill-informed blowhard some humans imagine God to be.

Seriously? That’s how you think a creator of everything from alpha to omega would act? That’s not a deity, that’s a manic-depressive gone off his meds.

If we gods were allowed to act the way humans imagine gods act (and the fact that we can’t is proof that our union sucks!), we wouldn’t write stories about flooding humans into near extinction (except for some old guy on a boat), we’d DO IT. We’d make it so incontrovertibly so — the proof that it happened so seared into the geology — that even atheists would have to give you the tap in from the edge of the green.

And we wouldn’t flood you with water just in case some of you suddenly got good at treading in the stuff. Hell, no — we’d flood you with battery acid. Or bitter tears. Or an eternal Nickelback playloop. Something you’d never recover from.

Only a human would think a deity cares what a human thinks. Every time I go and create a whole world out of nothingness? I take a nap! Then I have lunch and figure out what I’m going to do next. I don’t sit and worry about what humans do with their sex organs (so long as it’s mutual and everyone’s of age — we deities are fussy about that). Only humans care about that. Because you’re all hopelessly weird.

Have I ever mentioned, Pilgrim, how frustrating it can be dealing with humans on a regular basis? Seriously — we aren’t being paid nearly enough for this.

For the record, Jesus wasn’t “into” priests or temples because — being humans and human creations — they easily get corrupted. You want to talk to Regular Jesus? Talk to him! You want to talk to me? Talk to me! Put the tithe back in your pocket. Better yet — give it to someone who needs it. Stop giving it to churches. Sure, some will give a bit of it to the poor — as intended. But the bulk will go to pay their mortgage or keep the lights on.

See how that works? Bait and switch. Advertise “Do unto others” but sell “Do what we say”. Just like it was written up in the church’s business plan.

I’ll be honest. We do spend a fair amount of time here in the Locker Room Of The Gods, trying to come up with good, quotable, easy-to-grasp lessons for humans. Apparently it helps you retain the stuff we deities work so hard to teach you — those that still bother, that is. More honest still, Pilgrim? When the rest of the deities do that — worry about how to get through to you all? THIS deity slips off to soak in the jacuzzi.

Even an eternal life is too short to bother with nonsense. If you can’t figure out how to “Do unto others” without a fifty page owner’s manual, it’s just not something you’re ever going to grasp. On the bright side, there are plenty of openings for tree stumps. Care to apply?

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