Would You Buy A Slightly Used Apocalypse From This Guy?

In the Pantheon of Put-Ons, few hold as prominent a place as televangelist-sex addict, adulterer and sanctimonious con man Jim Bakker.

These days, Jim hawks doomsday prepper meals and doomsday prepper cabins as if he really expected Doomsday was actually going to happen.

Inside scoop? Actually, Jim is betting furiously AGAINST an apocalypse happening any time soon because he’s making a fortune off all that doomsday fear he’s “cooked up”.

In Jim’s defense, he’s grown a ton since his first brush with national celebrity — back when he was diddling church secretary Jessica Hahn.

Back then, Jim was weak. Lust got the better of him. Today, I’m proud to tell ya, Pilgrim, Jim Bakker is strong. He’s not led around by his man-parts any more. Now he’s led around by his brain. You see the problem. It’s still Jim’s brain. You can’t overcome genetics that terrible.

Since Jim can’t really sell the literal apocalypse anymore, he’s moved on to selling us “The Apocalypse Experience”. That’s Jim’s version of “virtual tourism”. Go with Jim and you’ll get all the icing you want from the Apocalyptic Cake that’s being forced down our throats. That’s the problem: icing isn’t cake. We get all those apocalyptic calories but none of the essential nutrition.

Hey, I’m just a calorie counter when it comes the emptiest of calories. But you can’t even make a light snack of Jim’s efforts here.

Buy an apocalypse from Jim Bakker? Hell, I wouldn’t buy a used couch from the guy. C’mon, do I really have to spell out what Jim was doing on that couch?

Oh, what Jim lost! Jimbo — I think we can all feel your pain.