Mulligan Jesus Sunday Sermon: WHAT? No, I’m Not ‘Sinning’, I’m ‘Testing Myself’

The problem with religious people (believers in Republican Jesus especially) — as we all know — is that they’re a judgey bunch. When they’re not sinning themselves, they’re probably accusing everyone else of sinning. See the problem?

What’s a hypocritical sinner to do? As always, Pilgrim, it comes down to framing.

Don’t let those judgey Religionistas do the defining. How’s a sinner to “learn” if not by failing? Got caught breaking a Commandment (like, say, adultery)? You weren’t actually “doing the thing”, you were, ummmm… “trying it out” for “experimental purposes”.

See how that works?

“Oh, no, honey, I wasn’t cheating on you with that hooker, I was TESTING MYSELF to see how I’d act if I were to be ‘tempted‘ by a hooker”. The fact that you failed the test — this time — that’s not a bad thing. It’s just you “educating yourself” — kinda like a DIY self-improvement course that you make up as you go along. Maybe next time you’ll do better. Who knows — there’s a learning curve.

And, since the church is all about teaching its flock, the more teaching it gets to do, the better, right? I recommend dipping one’s hand right into the collection plate — and taking what’s there (if some other sinner educating himself hasn’t taken the stash already). When everyone around you looks at you like you’re a thief or something, all you have to do is shrug and say “Gosh, looks like I haven’t learned not to do this yet. Good thing I’m still working on it!”

I can’t believe, frankly, that our POTUS, Donald Trump, hasn’t grabbed onto this idea with two tiny hands. “Oh,” he could say, as he does something corrupt again, “I keep testing myself to see if I can be president without violating the Constitution, but I keep getting it wrong so far! I better keep testing myself until I can get it right.” Then, the press certainly, would give Trump even more slack. He’s not a “corrupt POTUS”, he’s a “normal POTUS who keeps testing himself by doing corrupt things”.

Voila — problem — and sinning — solved!


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