Hey, Pilgrims – Your “Come To Jesus” Moment Won’t Suck If You Know The “Right” Jesus To “Come To”…

One of the advantages to being a deity is you don’t have to own anything unless you really want to.  If, say, my buddy Yahweh “really” wants to take credit for creating homo sapiens in HIS image — well, he better not be wondering how he & homo sapiens got that giant hole in their foot.  Yahweh’s got one — that’s why humans do.

If you buy that sorta thing.

We deities think of “Come To Jesus” moments as The Marketplace.  You humans do something wrong or stupid or immoral or illegal (or some unholy combination of them all) then you do everything  you can to avoid getting caught.  Then, when you realize it’s a fact of Life — you’re getting caught — you try to convince yourselves that facing that fact — that you’re caught and not getting out of it — carries some sort of “nobility” — because you’re finally coming to your senses by “coming to Jesus”.

That’s when you step into The Marketplace.  That’s when we deities hang out our shingles — selling YOU, humans, all sorts of redemption:  Total, some, none.  It all comes down to “which Jesus” you want to give your business to.

Now, some Jesuses will tell you “Hey, if you say you ‘believe in me and all my yadda-yadda-yadda, then I’ll promise you eternal Life” (which comes with NO guarantees, NO proof that he can deliver what’s promised and not even a Yelp review to back any of it up).  And — the data says — that’s good enough for lots of humans.

We deities think of “those humans” as “Frankie Graham Lovers” or “Pat Robertson Lovers” or, more simply “Complete And Total Morons”.

But some of you Pilgrims are a little more sharp-eyed than that.  You know you can get a better deal than that — or, at least, a better sounding deal (and it’s really about what sounds better, amiright?)  You know you don’t ever have to agree to put your behavior on the table for a bunch of judgmental assholes to poke at.

Actual Jesus-Pretend Jesus-Republican Jesus

That’s why you’re here.  You know — we’re all making it up as we go along.  You wanna treat every other human like dog crap and get away with it?  Come To Jesus!

You want to break every one of the ten commandments and roar with laughter while you break em?  Come To Jesus!

You want to be the god you know you are?  Come To Jesus.  THIS Jesus.

And bring cash.  Your credit’s no good here.

 

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