Mulligan Jesus Presents: “The Pick N Choose Bible”

What Americans get right about religion — that the rest of the world was so much slower to get — ‘Since we’re all making it up as we go along, why be a prisoner of someone else’s rules?’

Makes sense, doesn’t it?  Knowing a cash infusion to his bank account when he sees one, Mulligan Jesus has put together a Religious Text that only a Religious Person could love:  My very own ‘PICK N CHOOSE BIBLE’.Pick N Choose Bible Cover

Rules, Rules, RULES — Am I right, Pilgrim?  You’d think there was a poor, dumb writer-schmuck chained to a desk somewhere whose only job was to make up silly-assed rules based on nonsense for innocent-but-dumb humans to follow.   There IS actually a poor, dumb writer-schmuck chained to a desk but he’s working on other things.

If someone wanted to be nagged by their mom to do the right thing all the time, they’d keep living in their mom’s basement.

Besides, who really has time to keep up with (let alone FOLLOW) 10 Whole Commandments?  Half those Commandments don’t even make sense!  Graven Images?  What even IS that?  And anyway — Every Deity I know LOVES having their picture taken.

Some of em need to calm down about it, frankly — but never mind —

Whatever 10 Commandments

 

With the Mulligan Jesus ‘Pick N Choose Bible’, YOU get to choose which Commandments you’ll give it a shot at and which you’ll forget you ever even knew in the first place.  And what’s with that word:  “Commandment”.  Who died and made god God?

If I were a human, I’d have a tee-shirt made:  “The word ‘Commandment’ Hurts My Feelings”.  Hear that?  It’s the sound of Construction on a New Wing of the Mansion starting up.  Ka-Ching!

I bet your average human could get by just fine with three or four commandments at the most.  Five just to have one just to yell at the kids about.

Then there’s which stories you want to ‘believe’ and which stories you want OTHERS to ‘believe’ (not the same thing, know what I mean)?  “Excuse me, but god told MY ancestors that THEY were ACTUALLY his ‘Chosen People’.”

“Got any proof?  A title deed maybe?”

“Got this book of stories they wrote.”

“But — YOU wrote them — about YOU!  Of course they’re gonna say YOU’RE the ‘Chosen People’.

 

“You trying to get struck by lightning, dude?”

Now, Pilgrim, I do need to warn you about something.  Once you accept the ‘Pick N Choose’ bible as YOUR gospel truth?  There’s no going back.

Not like you’d want to…

 

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