Pilgrim, I don’t have to tell YOU – a person clever enough to have found your way to Mulligan Jesus – that trying to figure out what any religion wants you to do on a daily basis is crazy-making. So many laws to follow. So many rules. And so many of them talk about things you don’t even DO any more — like the rules were all living in some other century fer Pete’s sake! Then, if you follow one rule, that means you’re breaking another and if you break certain rules, you’re not just screwed, you’re ETERNALLY screwed.
What is up with THAT?
Well, don’t tell anyone but — it’s all by design. No kidding. We Deities WANT you humans to look up at us with total bafflement in your eyes like ‘The Gods Must Be Crazy’.
Trust me, Pilgrim, the gods aren’t ‘crazy’ exactly, but they’re definitely ‘psychotic’. I hang with these dudes and I don’t know what’s up with them half the time. I know some of em are supposed to be taking meds — I’ve seen the prescription bottles! But they’re Deities, ya know? They think they’re, like, ‘god’ or something. I guess cause they are…
And some of those Deities — not ME, you understand — they’re kinda OCD. And they get all crispy when they start writing ‘Rules For Humans’ that humans will have the damnedest time staying true to…
One day you can eat all the pork ya want, the next day it’s ‘ix-nay on the acon-bay’.
One day it’s mix fabrics at your mortal peril and the next — the damned things are on sale at Walmart — and cheap, too!
And let me tell ya — the day we Deities came up with circumcision? My sides STILL hurt when I think of it.
‘They’re gonna do WHAT?” shouted a fellow Deity (I won’t name names here — it’s just not ‘done’).
“They’re gonna chop off the ends of their willies,” I said. I love that word for penises. ‘Willies’.
“Like hell they will,” said my co-Deity. “Dim-witted as human males are, they would NEVER do THAT just cos WE said to.”
“Put up or shut up,” I replied, reaching for my wallet.
Money was laid on the table. Lots of it.
And it all wound up in Mulligan Jesus’ pocket the moment that first human male took a not-very-sharp hunk of obsidian to Mr Happy and began scraping and hacking away. I’ll spare ya the gory details of what EXTREME STUPID looks and sounds like as it cries itself to sleep.
Why on earth would anyone do THAT just cos a voice in their head told them to? Want to know why Deities make up so many wacky rules for humans to follow? Cos we KNOW you wacky humans will do it.
And nothing makes a Deity laugh harder.
Mulligan Jesus: The Do Over Deity 